Words

    This is one of those posts where I just need to get all of this out or I'll explode, either in tears, or my entire being.
   It's amazing how so many things can happen in one day. I knocked out the two exams I had to take today, and that was exciting and a huge relief. I've been really stressed because I'm going to try to get my license  tomorrow morning, and I'm sure I have a good chance of failing the first time.
    His birthday was last Saturday, and he's now sixteen. He had a date planned, and he was so excited to be able to drive the two of us to the movie, then to dinner. He was crushed when he came so close to passing the driving test only to get booted out due to a car swerving in front of him. The whole date was ruined, reduced to a pair of cupcakes, a cheese pizza, and a not-so-illegal streaming of "John Tucker Must Die". I was really worried about what it would do to us, because I think I'm taking it too slow. We haven't even kissed yet, unless you count an exchanging of cheek-pecks. But those worried thoughts flew out the window when he texted me today to wish me a happy one-month anniversary. I think everything is going to be okay with us, because that one message lifted my spirits to their highest...
...only to be sucked down to a new level of low.
     A surprise visit from my grandparents...what's so bad about that? We went to dinner. I offered up my bed. As I'm typing this I'm sitting on the futon in our attic, snug under my red-and-white quilt that isn't sufficient for comforting me at this moment. After dinner, we all sat down in the living room, and they broke the news to us. In the past few weeks, they've learned that my papa has pancreatic cancer, and if we're lucky, he has another year to live. He's starting chemo immediately, but we don't know what good it will do. When my other papa died, it was a surprise to all of us. He died in his sleep, and I was glad that he went peacefully, but I was always angry that I had no warning that it was coming. Now that I've been warned, I take back all that anger I felt those five years ago. I finally understand the true meaning of the phrase "ignorance is bliss".
     I'm having one of those moments in life when I just keep crying, and crying, and crying. I have a reason to, but I feel like there's more to it. It's so many things crashing into me at all: sadness, fear, guilt, and one of the strongest yearnings I've ever felt. I don't want this. No one wants this. And I don't know how to deal with these feelings.
.

.

.

Help.

Please don't hold this against me...

"And I wish all my friends could all laugh with each other,
and all my friends could all cheer with each other,
and all my friends could all forgive each other."

      I hate high school.
     I guess there's a reason everyone says that junior year is the hardest year. At first I thought they meant it was difficult keeping good grades. But honestly, my grades have been better this year than they have since middle school. No. Grade-wise, this year so far has been fantastic. I wish I could enjoy it, but I can't. Want to know why? Because the majority of my friends...I'm not even sure if they're my friends anymore. And sure, it's probably my fault for not coming to lunch anymore, but honestly, why would I want to? All that has to offer me is drama that I don't need and that I definitely don't want. Most of my so-called-friends don't even talk to me, or all they want to do is talk trash about one of my real friends. I'm so sick of the drama. Is it even right to call it drama? It's freaking childish. So what's-her-face told that guy you "liked" him. Oh noes, your life is over, better change your name and move to Australia. Suck it up and move on. It probably wasn't meant to hurt you.
     It's either stupid kid-fights like that, or something serious. Like, super serious, that I want to help with, but I truly do not know how. Scratch that. I do know how, and it'd be freaking easy. But it would also be costly. But honestly, what's more important to me? Someone's friendship, or someone's life.
     In short, when this song came on one of the fan-mixes I was listening to, it really got to me, enough that I almost started crying. I don't want the reason I hate school to be my friends, or lack there of. But I can't deal with this stuff. I can't deal with stupid drama and someone's suicidal thoughts that bring me to tears every time I see that person. I can't deal with the knowledge that if people just get their minds out of the gutter that it wouldn't have to be like that.
      So listen up. I'm done with everything from the past. I'm done holding stupid grudges that meant nothing then and mean nothing now. I'm done holding back when seeing a friend being hurt. I'm done letting people talk crap about the people I care about. I don't care if people don't want to hang out with me anymore. That's their choice, not mine, and I guess it means that I never meant anything to them in the first place. But from now on, I'm not gonna start drama, I'm not gonna be a part of the drama, and I'm not gonna sit back and let it run wild. I want to do everything I can to stop it. Because honestly, I just want us all, all of my friends, to get along, and I don't see why that can't happen. Call me naive, whatever you want. That's just what I want.
~Squiggs

Song: we are not friends      Artist: S

Who'd Have Known...?

    WARNING: Contains mixed feelings, confusion, and stuff that might make your kokoro go   doki-doki. Take heed.

 I can't wrap my mind around the idea that school starts back in less than five days. Like anyone else, I love breaks from school. I enjoy having freedom to sleep in and not having to do any homework or worry about the presentation I have to give the next day or week or month. The thing I hate about breaks, though, is the fact that everyone leaves.
    I'm kind of afraid, and selfishly, I'm afraid for myself. I've talk before about the guy I like, that I've liked for ages. To me, it seems so real, like everything can really happen like I've thought it through, and that he is the one person for me. There is no future guy. Just him. And I'm afraid this is simply a facade that I can only dream about. I can't imagine what he possibly sees in a person like me. And it hurts my heart to think this is only happening in my head.
    I'm not sure what I want. I love being friends with him. I love that he's teaching me to play League of Legends and helping me out in Black Ops Zombies, even though I constantly die in both games. I love him being there. I'm constantly in love with the idea that I can walk over to his house if I want to see him. I love that he gives me a hug when I walk in the door and another when I walk out. I love the Doctor Who stocking and the scarf and the Thor poster he gave me for Christmas. I love his smile, his corny jokes, his letting me sit right up against him when we watch TV or play on his laptop.
    But I still want there to be something more for us. And I'm scared of it never happening.
    I realized that I still haven't made a post about the dance. Oh, the dance. I thought about writing one right afterwards, but I was so overwhelmed at the time that I couldn't. Now, though, I might as well try.
    Long story short, it was bloody fantastic. Truth be told, I can't dance at all, but that didn't really matter; nobody really could. Most of the time the crowd was just a series of squirming blobs of teens moving to songs everybody knew. But there were two songs in particular that I remember very, very fondly.
    The first slow song, if I remember correctly, was When I Was Your Man by Bruno Mars. If I haven't said before, this guy, let's call him Drew, can sing about as well as I can dance. He knows it, and even so, he insists on singing every chance he gets (another thing I love about him). When the song started, I moved to put a hand on his shoulder and hold his other hand, just as we danced at last years party. I freaked out when he stopped me. Then he wrapped my hands around to the back of his neck and held my waist. I almost died. I remember looking around a few times to see if anyone was watching (and hoping to God they weren't), but most of the time I held his gaze, the two of us singing the song to each other until it ended.
    After a series of other preppy songs, the second slow song came on: 1000 Years. I put my hands around his neck again, and we danced. Throughout both slow songs, he would twirl me under his arm, and I liked how the skirt of my dress would twirl as well. We weren't the most graceful couple on the dance floor, though I didn't watch to compare us to anyone else. At one point in the song, he tried to twirl me with his right arm, but he held it too low, and I hit my head against his arm. I had already put my arms around his neck again, but we were both laughing so hard, and he laid his head on my shoulder for a fraction of a second, but to me, that fraction was like an entire minute. I still can't believe he did that. My Drew putting his head on my shoulder in public. I almost died, hoping nobody had seen, but at the same time hoping some had seen.
    But I'm still scared. I mean, he could just be an affectionate person. He could act like that with all his friends who are girls. What on earth makes me the one he deserves? He's...in short, he's the most amazing guy I've ever known. I can't imagine being with anyone else. I'm just afraid of screwing up. Cuz I really can't afford losing him.
    Sorry for the weird post. I didn't really know what was gonna happen when I opened this window, and I apologize for what occurred.
    I need to start posting stuff again. Even if nobody bothers reading it, it makes me feel good getting my ideas and feelings out.
BTW: not bothering editing this.

Life, Scars, and Apologies

I don't know what else to do.
I know I'm not the best friend. Lord knows the many times I've said this, and the thousands of times I've thought it. I still can't decide if this is realization or naivety.
Everyone is not the same. This contradicts what I wrote about earlier, but it's true. I'm still tired of being grouped in with people. Why can't I be my own person? I wish I could be that one friend that likes everyone. Cuz I do like everyone. Hell, I love everyone. But I'm still pushed away. Do I not try? I think I do. Am I a nuisance? Probably. But I do try. At least, I did.
I'm not gonna be that girl anymore. And it wasn't the preacher on the TV telling me that my sins shouldn't hold me down. It wasn't the outline of Psalm 51 that I wrote last night for Bible class that told me I should repent my sins and ask for cleanliness. It was a song.
When this song came on my 8tracks, I stopped to listen to it, which is strange because I usually just let the music play in the background. But I listened, and I began to cry. Not because the song is sad.
But because it made me feel strong.

I'm tired of being pushed around. Tired of being judged by actions that aren't my own. I still feel like I'm being grouped in with other people, people who aren't like me. Sometimes groups are okay, but this is different. I'm being judged because of other people, and I'm sick of it. But why should I change because of it?
For you out there, if you read this, you know who you are. I'm the same as you. But you're stronger than I am. I gave in. But don't treat me like them. Please. I don't think I deserve that.
For anyone out there, anyone I tried for, I'm not sorry for trying. I don't regret it. But I'm tired of being ignored for pouring my heart it to you. I feel like the best thing to do is simply curl in on myself, because that seems like the only solution at this point.
I'm still going to love everyone. I don't think I'll ever stop. I want to be everyone's friend.
But I guess that depends on them, not me.
I can't add a link, but please listen to this song. You don't have to, of course, but it really helped me, so maybe it can do the same to someone else.

Dear X, You Don't Own Me - Disciple

If I stumble, they're gonna eat me alive

"If we're still alive, my regrets are few.
If my life is mine, what shouldn't I do?"

I feel like I'm drowning. 
Figuratively, of course, but it's still scary. It's as if I'm floating in the ocean, and every wrong move I make is more water entering my lungs. There's no point in trying to swim up to the surface. There's truly nothing I can do but wait for that last mistake, the final mouthful of water, that ends it completely. I don't have any say in it at all. 
This is what I hate about myself. Don't get me wrong, I hate myself for a lot of reasons, but this is one of the main ones, my biggest fear. I'm afraid of being rejected. And lately, that's been happening. A lot. 
There's a difference between being alone and being alone. I love being by myself, just me and my iPod and a good book. That's by my own choice. It's my escape. 
But being rejected? It's being alone in the knowledge that no one, not one person wants to be with you. And that, to me, is terrifying. 
It's happened enough times already. I've basically forgotten all of my childhood friends except a certain few who wish me a Happy Birthday, if they even remember to do that much. The first years of high school were great. I loved being able to sit down at the same table as all my friends, being able to look at them all and talk and laugh with them every day for lunch. But now that we have the option of off-campus lunch, I never get to see any of them anymore. I see them maybe once a day and muster a hello, but I want more than that. I feel like they're all getting torn away from me. 
I guess I can't blame anyone but myself. It's my own fault, I suppose. I just wish I was strong enough to have control over my own life, but I feel like I don't even have that much. I'm controlled by my own weakness, my desire to be wanted by at least one person, to be needed by them. And because of that, I feel like I've lost everyone else. 
I'm not quite sure where this is going. It just feels good to get it all out. I can't stand the idea of losing anyone, but it's as if I have to choose between one or the other. I can lose them, or I can lose her. And I can't bear losing either. 
The water holds me down, putting pressure on my body and keeping me far beneath the surface. It's dark here, and when I think I see a light out of the corner of my eye, it's gone when I turn towards it. Water pours into my lungs each time I try and fail.
I feel like I'm drowning. 

Song: Help, I'm Alive       Artist: Metric

Normal Girl, Normal Knees

"I don't wanna be 'the bee's knees'. I don't wanna be any kind of 'knees'! I just wanna be a 
     normal girl, with normal knees."                             


I was tempted to start this off with a keyboard smash, but I figured that wouldn't be the best approach. Don't be surprised if one appears later in this post.

Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuys. I'm floundering. I'm like a floppy pancake. There's just an enormous amount of stuff going on, good and bad and annoying and awesome, and it's just...I.....mehhh.
  Okay. I'll start off with the fact that I should be doing homework, but how can I think about that when there's so much going on in my mind?
  School is weird. Basically it's a mix of easy classes, hard classes, too much homework, and people friends that I want to be able to do stuff with all the time but can't, sometimes because of other friends being involved or stuff like that. So really, it's an enormous stress pool.(hehe. get it. instead of cesspool. hehe. hehehe. >.> )
  There's that, and then there's Halloween, Animazement, various future cons, and cosplays to worry about. Ugh. COSPLAY. To have so many expectations and zero money is a huge downer. Hm...let's see. What else.
    Oh! Freaking shows nowadays! Between Supernatural, Walking Dead, OUAT, Tomorrow People, and Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., that leaves a good, oh, fifteen minutes for homework? Maybe? I'm exaggerating, of course, but still, when I put the two together, shows are more important that homework. (JK. Kinda.)
And I've recently caught up with Rooster Teeth's RWBY, which is AMAZING. That's what the quote above is from. RWBY is also the source of my new dream cosplays >.< necesito dinero.
    AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST.
   (i knew this would come up. so did you)
    Let's talk about him.
    What? Why not? Nothing better to do, am I right?  Of course I am.
 SO basically it has gotten to the point where we can walk around in public holding hands and he puts his arm around me and I've confirmed with him that he doesn't like any girls at his school and I JUST ASGHDGASJDHALSD;K;LJDLHAOUEYORYOU;AHJDBN3I273HEJBJKADBKJBKBCKBAKBCANTCANTCANTCANTCANTCANTCANTCANTCANTCANTCANT
and that's basically it. Good talk.

  SO that gif was next to this one and I just...

Yeh. I'm just gonna stop while I'm ahead.
Mehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh bye.
Squiggs out.



P.s. Gonna start planning out a music post, so be on the watch, dear readers.


Quote by: Ruby Rose, RWBY

what is "RATIONAL" ?

"Lay off your rhetoric, sir, please, your flattery is lost on me."


  Okay, so this is another one of my "life" posts, so brace yourselves. Things have been kind of stressful for my lately, and this would be completely normal, really, if it were different circumstances. But it's been bugging me, even though I'm not really involved. At least, I don't think I am.
   Anyway, recently I've been hearing a lot of junk about my friend, who, let's face it, can be difficult. She can be very difficult. She's a hard-headed, sarcastic, stubborn as hell chick with a horrendous attitude when it comes to lack of sleep and food. She's been like this for as long as I can remember, and I thought people had learned to put up with her after all these years.
      I was wrong.
   Truly, I thought that, after middle school, the drama would finally end, but it's still here, always tugging at the back of everyone's minds. And finally, FINALLY, people are showing their true colors on how they feel about this girl. And I hate the results.
  Most have told me that they're sick of putting up with her, how her sarcasm "hurts their feelings"(-.-), how she's never kind or anything, and how she's a horrible friend. I get the feeling that, from what I've heard, I'm being expected to choose between her or these other people. That, or I should feel stupid for being friends with her.
  Well, guys, guess what. THIS IS STUPID. When did this become such a big deal? She's one person, she can't ruin your life, and besides, I don't think she cares to. No offense or anything, but she barely gives a crap what other people think of her.
  While I'm at it, let me tell you something. Yes, maybe you have your feelings hurt when she's joking around, but she has feelings too, and I bet talking crap about her behind her back hurts those feelings a teensy weensy bit. 
  Sorry, but I'm not choosing between anyone. I don't care if you hate her, that doesn't give me a reason not to be friends with her. That doesn't mean I can't be friends with you, but if my being friends with her bugs you, then sorry, but too bad. If that kind of thing bothers you, that's really childish. This entire ordeal is childish.
  If it clears anything up, I have something to say about it. Yes, everything I said about her being stubborn, cranky and sarcastic is true, but that's what makes her amazing. She doesn't pretend to be kind when she doesn't want to be kind, she doesn't create that constant facade of a normal nice girl who's always polite and junk, she's just herself. And she's my best friend. Yes, she's sarcastic. Yes, she can be mean about it. Would you like to know why? Most likely, it's not because she hates you. This may be the case, since she doesn't particularly like a certain many people, but she's trying to protect herself.
   She doesn't want to be hurt, and I believe she lives in constant fear of it. So she puts up walls that make her emotionless to what other people think, and I don't think she can trust anyone. One really can't ever trust another, because anyone can be a traitor. Anyone can say that one thing, spread that one rumor, and a friendship can be lost. She's had so many people like this in her life, people that pretend to be her friend and then completely blow her off, so please, go easy on her. As one of the people she can always trust, I can't, and won't, be separated from her.
  She's my best friend. She's a good person, and yet you guys make her out to be this horrible person who can't have any friends. What do you think she views you as when you think like that?
  Please let all of this go. Because, trust me, when you hurt her, you hurt me as well. If you want to do that, fine, but know that if she goes down, I'm going with her. It's your choice.
  It's a simple choice, at that.




Song: What Is Rational?    Artist: Hot Hot Heat

Numb.

"I've become so numb. I can't feel you there."


     Being totally honest here. I suppose I need to re-think my friends list. I'm not really sure what I expect of other people, of what my future will be. When I think of a friend, I think of someone always there. Loyal, like our ever-present, if constantly annoying, hufflepuff. Why can't everyone be a hufflepuff? There, like, the perfect companion. Loyalty. Is that so hard to come by these days?
      I try so hard to be the person people can go to when they need advice or caring or prayer, and I hate to say it, but what do I get in return? Boring summer days, each one like the last, spent watching TV or writing stupid posts, or wandering around outside until I get sunburned. I talk to people, talk about all the things we can do this summer, and yet none of it ever happens. I know I won't be going to Wet-N-Wild with that person, or having a movie marathon with another, and at this point, I don't even know if I'll be able to celebrate his birthday with him. 
   I'm tired of being 'that person', only talked to when someone is sad or bored. I'm tired of being ignored when I really want to talk about something but don't know how to bring it up, afraid of losing a friend or something. 
     At first, I thought the title of this post was just random, but it isn't. I really do feel numb. I realized that about ten minutes ago, when I cut myself for the first time. Now I'm crying, not really from the pain, but cos there is none. I don't want to waste my time anymore, not with people who only want me when they need me. 
Honestly, I don't even think anyone is going to read this, or if they do, even get what I'm talking about or feel what I'm feeling. I don't expect anyone to pity me. I'm only writing this because it's better than thinking about it over and over. And keeping it locked in my head or my computer does nothing. It's only when I publish it that it really makes me feel better. 
    I'm just sickened by everything around me, including myself, and it pains me to know that there's nothing I can do about it. It makes me wonder how much a difference a little hufflepuff can really make. 
~Liz

Two More Hours...

Hey.
So, I'm not quite sure how this post will turn out. I'm just kinda....yeh.
HALLO! I'm Liz and I'm going to die today!
Well, most likely. Pops concert is in two hours, and...I don't think it's gonna go too well. We have a bunch of songs and didn't have a lot of time to practice. So I don't think it's going to be as good as Mr. Green thinks it's gonna be. He'll most likely kill us.
But, at least we have like FIVE FREAKING HOURS to practice. Then he plans for the concert itself to be like...two to three hours I think?
Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeegh.
Last night was pretty good. I got to go see Iron Man 3 with Dawson, Nathan, and a bunch of other friends. That was fun. I met a young British gentleman who was...interesting.
Yeh. And I'm kinda depressed, because I actually had the guts to do something and it...didn't happen the way I wanted it to.
I mentioned in another post that my choir is going to perform On My Own from Les Mis, and the first line and the "i love him" part at the end were made into solos, and auditions for that solo were Wednesday. There were, like, seven girls up there already. Page was one of them. At first, I wasn't going to go up. Then, at the last second, I went up.
We had to sing it by ourselves, alone, in front of THE WHOLE FREAKING CHOIR. I was terrified. There were I think four, maybe five girls before me, and the majority of them were so nervous that it they didn't sound as good as they usually do. Page was next to me. She went, then I went.
I just did my best. I kinda zoned out while doing so, and I know I was blushing. I heard whispers around me and from the choir, and I thought it was because I sounded bad. I felt like crying. But I finished and so did the other girls, and I went back to my seat.
Where a bunch of girls were grinning at me.
They said I sounded great!! I'm not even kidding, they were really surprised that I sounded like that! Mr. Green and his assistant were trying to figure out who would get the solo, and it wasn't me. We sang the song again with the girl who did get it, and afterwards, the girls in my section were like "That should have been you, you should have gotten the solo."
I was ecstatic. I never really felt like I fit in there, and now they were cheering me on!
Then Kira came over from her section and just stood there looking at me. I asked her what it was, and she said,
"Like, all the altos think Mr. Green should have given you the solo."
I WAS SPAZZING I WAS SO HAPPY PEOPLE LIKE ME AGHHHHHHH.
But yeh. A 9th grader got it. My mom seemed mad about that. Personally, I think the girl who got it uses too much vibrato, but it's Mr. Green's choice not mine.
And now for GIFs, because GATSBY

Yes Gatsby was brilliant as frick. But

  

 CAN

 WE

 TALK

 ABOUT

 THIS

 MAN

I used to like Captain America.

But then.

Iron Man.

Probably the number one reason I loved Iron Man 3 is that when people talk about Iron Man, they just talk about him being a cheater or something because he only is awesome in his suit, but the third movie was him in the suit and being awesome out of the suit, and I really liked that.

Cuz he's great.

Kay.

I should get ready or something.

Liz out.

Iron Man.

<3

Struggling Against the Tide

Hey. I've been playing around with the tool bar. Fair warning, this is one of those rant posts. Originally, I made this blog for two reasons: as part of my Honors Creative Writing class and to post fun stories. Lately, I've only been holding up half of that plan.
I'm sure none of you are particularly overjoyed at my rants. So you don't have to read this, if you don't want to. I just find that writing it down is better than resorting to something worse.
And this post is somewhat different. It's not as much a rant as it is a distress call.
This past week has been...really bad. You know it's gotten bad when the only thing you look forward to is for your teacher to put into Powerschool the best grade you've gotten in math all year.  But the worst of it began Friday night at a friends house, where I, like the idiot I am, dropped my iPhone into the toilet.
I'm surprised at how quickly I acted. Immediately the phone was back in my hand, and I was shaking the water out and drying it off as best I could. Minutes later the phone was in a bag of white rice.
It was in the water for no more than five seconds. So why does it still not work?
I was freaked about that. Instead of hiding it, like I told myself to do, I told my dad. The phone is still in the rice, and we haven't tried turning it on yet.
That's not all that happened, though.
Saturday, around 3 or 4 pm. I was at a birthday party (yes, I still go to those), atop a blow-up slide. There were, I don't know, maybe six girls up there. Maybe seven, I'm not exactly sure. From where I was, a little less than halfway down the slide, I couldn't see the ladder because of the separator between it and the slide.
I'm still not certain why it happened.
There were a lot of girls up there. It was too heavy.
It wasn't held down quite enough.
It was too windy.
It was on a hill.
It doesn't matter, it still fell.
I was smiling. I remember that I stopped smiling as it started to fall. I thought,
"it's not a big deal, it happens. We'll be okay."
As it fell, I saw the sky, then the bushes with pink and purple flowers on them. I didn't close my eyes. I was too afraid to do that.
I remember being airborne, for maybe one or two seconds. I had just had my hand around Lee's ankle. I remember. Me and Katelyn were trying to pull her down the slide with us. I don't recall letting go. But now I had nothing to hold on to, and no one to hold onto me. Then, I hit the ground.
It was dark at first. Very dark. Then I saw the blue and yellow of the blow-up.
I hurt a bit.
I was against, almost on top of someone- Kira. I rolled off of her, trying to give her space; there wasn't much of that. There was an opening in front of us, but the blow-up hadn't finished flipping. The rest fell, blocking the light. A little showed from the yellow net behind us, but it was almost covered because it was against the grass. My claustrophobia set it then.
I thought a lot of things.
We're going to run out of air. We're going to die.
It fell...it really fell. 
Is someone already dead.
I was too scared to cry. This happened in seconds. As the blow-up was almost done flipping, I could feel it behind me, pressing against my neck and back, pushing me forward, almost on top of the other girls. I looked around and saw sunlight through a space where two sides of the blow-up met.
I heard the other girls talking, yelling, almost. I saw Katelyn crawling through the space. Kira was still beside me, and so was Allie. I had to get out so they could have room to follow. I was on my knees, so I half-crawled, half-walked to the space and squeezed out.
Katelyn was already out there, sitting on the ground. She was laughing, but I knew she did that when she was nervous or scared or something. She knew this was serious.
I looked back at the blow-up that lay upside down on the grass. Kira emerged, followed by Allie. She was the last to get out. She was holding her neck. She immediately sat on the ground.
The adults were there. One was beside Allie, seeing if she was alright. I could tell she was freaking out. She assured him she was okay.
I hardly ever see Allie like I'd seen her then. When the man walked away, she laid down with her head half on my lap, half on the ground. I couldn't move. I knew I was fine. I knew nothing was broken or sprained. I knew there wouldn't have to be any calls to parents about this. But I was scared. I was really, really scared.
It sounds childish, being freaked out about a blow-up slide flipping. But think about this: if I or Katelyn had been at the bottom of the slide, we would've free-fallen ten, maybe fifteen feet onto a pile of girls. The blow-up bending could have killed us. I'm just thankful that no one was seriously hurt. I was still too scared to cry about it. So were the other girls. We kinda just laughed about it. I'm only just now letting my feelings out.
I spent the night at Kira's- I didn't really want to face home just yet. When I did get home, I mowed the lawn. Then I went inside and played with my new cosplay glasses.
They were crooked. I didn't want them to be crooked. I didn't mean to bend them that much.
I watched my mother try to fit the two pieces back together with super glue. Then, echoing what my dad had said minutes ago, she stated, "I wish you hadn't done this."
Really? You wish? You think I did this on purpose? They're stupid glasses, and I'm closed to tears about them.
"I'm sorry I'm such a screw-up  then!" I shouted. After that, I stood next to the sink, pondering what to do next. I was waiting for her to reply. For my dad to shout something from the living room. When nothing happened, I went upstairs to my room. I grabbed some pillows and stuffed animals and shoved them into my closet, where I lodged myself.
I figured either my dad or mom would come in moments or minutes to talk to me, to ask me what was wrong.
I waited an hour.
I gave up ten minutes ago, because I scared myself. I was still in my closet, crying into the huge stuffed cow that my uncle and aunt had given me years ago.
I noticed that my sewing kit was right next to me. Very close. There were needles in it.
No one would even know. Just a little scrape on my arm, like that girl in that book did. Of course, she'd done it a lot, but you have to start somewhere, right?
No.
Now I'm sitting against my bed. I'm contemplating playing my ukulele, but I don't think that will make me feel better. I'd probably be better off going to bed. I'm still thinking about almost dying, so I don't think I'll get that much sleep. I want to skip school tomorrow, but I know my parents won't let me. I haven't told them about the blow-up, and I don't think I'm going to.
I've wondered about the good things that happen to me, then the bad. A lot of bad happens, so much that it normally drowns out the good. But don't get me wrong.
I don't need a lecture. I don't need therapy or a doctor or medicine or anything like that. I don't need to be on antidepressants even though I'm depressed most of the time.
I just feel like a need a real reason to keep me going as I struggle against the tide.