"If we're still alive, my regrets are few.
If my life is mine, what shouldn't I do?"
I feel like I'm drowning.
Figuratively, of course, but it's still scary. It's as if I'm floating in the ocean, and every wrong move I make is more water entering my lungs. There's no point in trying to swim up to the surface. There's truly nothing I can do but wait for that last mistake, the final mouthful of water, that ends it completely. I don't have any say in it at all.
This is what I hate about myself. Don't get me wrong, I hate myself for a lot of reasons, but this is one of the main ones, my biggest fear. I'm afraid of being rejected. And lately, that's been happening. A lot.
There's a difference between being alone and being alone. I love being by myself, just me and my iPod and a good book. That's by my own choice. It's my escape.
But being rejected? It's being alone in the knowledge that no one, not one person wants to be with you. And that, to me, is terrifying.
It's happened enough times already. I've basically forgotten all of my childhood friends except a certain few who wish me a Happy Birthday, if they even remember to do that much. The first years of high school were great. I loved being able to sit down at the same table as all my friends, being able to look at them all and talk and laugh with them every day for lunch. But now that we have the option of off-campus lunch, I never get to see any of them anymore. I see them maybe once a day and muster a hello, but I want more than that. I feel like they're all getting torn away from me.
I guess I can't blame anyone but myself. It's my own fault, I suppose. I just wish I was strong enough to have control over my own life, but I feel like I don't even have that much. I'm controlled by my own weakness, my desire to be wanted by at least one person, to be needed by them. And because of that, I feel like I've lost everyone else.
I'm not quite sure where this is going. It just feels good to get it all out. I can't stand the idea of losing anyone, but it's as if I have to choose between one or the other. I can lose them, or I can lose her. And I can't bear losing either.
The water holds me down, putting pressure on my body and keeping me far beneath the surface. It's dark here, and when I think I see a light out of the corner of my eye, it's gone when I turn towards it. Water pours into my lungs each time I try and fail.
I feel like I'm drowning.
Song: Help, I'm Alive Artist: Metric
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