This is one of those posts where I just need to get all of this out or I'll explode, either in tears, or my entire being.
It's amazing how so many things can happen in one day. I knocked out the two exams I had to take today, and that was exciting and a huge relief. I've been really stressed because I'm going to try to get my license tomorrow morning, and I'm sure I have a good chance of failing the first time.
His birthday was last Saturday, and he's now sixteen. He had a date planned, and he was so excited to be able to drive the two of us to the movie, then to dinner. He was crushed when he came so close to passing the driving test only to get booted out due to a car swerving in front of him. The whole date was ruined, reduced to a pair of cupcakes, a cheese pizza, and a not-so-illegal streaming of "John Tucker Must Die". I was really worried about what it would do to us, because I think I'm taking it too slow. We haven't even kissed yet, unless you count an exchanging of cheek-pecks. But those worried thoughts flew out the window when he texted me today to wish me a happy one-month anniversary. I think everything is going to be okay with us, because that one message lifted my spirits to their highest...
...only to be sucked down to a new level of low.
A surprise visit from my grandparents...what's so bad about that? We went to dinner. I offered up my bed. As I'm typing this I'm sitting on the futon in our attic, snug under my red-and-white quilt that isn't sufficient for comforting me at this moment. After dinner, we all sat down in the living room, and they broke the news to us. In the past few weeks, they've learned that my papa has pancreatic cancer, and if we're lucky, he has another year to live. He's starting chemo immediately, but we don't know what good it will do. When my other papa died, it was a surprise to all of us. He died in his sleep, and I was glad that he went peacefully, but I was always angry that I had no warning that it was coming. Now that I've been warned, I take back all that anger I felt those five years ago. I finally understand the true meaning of the phrase "ignorance is bliss".
I'm having one of those moments in life when I just keep crying, and crying, and crying. I have a reason to, but I feel like there's more to it. It's so many things crashing into me at all: sadness, fear, guilt, and one of the strongest yearnings I've ever felt. I don't want this. No one wants this. And I don't know how to deal with these feelings.
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Help.
