Numb.

"I've become so numb. I can't feel you there."


     Being totally honest here. I suppose I need to re-think my friends list. I'm not really sure what I expect of other people, of what my future will be. When I think of a friend, I think of someone always there. Loyal, like our ever-present, if constantly annoying, hufflepuff. Why can't everyone be a hufflepuff? There, like, the perfect companion. Loyalty. Is that so hard to come by these days?
      I try so hard to be the person people can go to when they need advice or caring or prayer, and I hate to say it, but what do I get in return? Boring summer days, each one like the last, spent watching TV or writing stupid posts, or wandering around outside until I get sunburned. I talk to people, talk about all the things we can do this summer, and yet none of it ever happens. I know I won't be going to Wet-N-Wild with that person, or having a movie marathon with another, and at this point, I don't even know if I'll be able to celebrate his birthday with him. 
   I'm tired of being 'that person', only talked to when someone is sad or bored. I'm tired of being ignored when I really want to talk about something but don't know how to bring it up, afraid of losing a friend or something. 
     At first, I thought the title of this post was just random, but it isn't. I really do feel numb. I realized that about ten minutes ago, when I cut myself for the first time. Now I'm crying, not really from the pain, but cos there is none. I don't want to waste my time anymore, not with people who only want me when they need me. 
Honestly, I don't even think anyone is going to read this, or if they do, even get what I'm talking about or feel what I'm feeling. I don't expect anyone to pity me. I'm only writing this because it's better than thinking about it over and over. And keeping it locked in my head or my computer does nothing. It's only when I publish it that it really makes me feel better. 
    I'm just sickened by everything around me, including myself, and it pains me to know that there's nothing I can do about it. It makes me wonder how much a difference a little hufflepuff can really make. 
~Liz