A Lack of Color

Okay, here's another one of my personal posts, so brace yourself.
Lacking in color. Sometimes, this is exactly how I feel, and normally it's not even because I'm causing myself to think it. Personally, I feel like people degrade themselves so quickly without even thinking or caring about what exactly they're saying.
Maybe they're people like me, and I really feel like a hypocrite for writing this. Sometimes I degrade myself so that people will deny what I say about myself to make me feel better, and why do I do this? Because there are times when I feel so crappy and useless that I need a little approval from friends to make me feel worth something.
I know that most of the time I'm a horrible friend. I'm loud, obnoxious, and am constantly trying to make things about myself. I speak my mind without first thinking my words over, and most of the time those words hurt the one I'm speaking to without my knowing. When this happens, I never forget it. That's one of my problems. I never, ever forget my stupid mistakes, and they always pop back up to make me feel horrible.
Lack of color. What is the color? Personality? Creativity? Support? It can really be anything, if you think about it, but one of the things I want to focus on is beauty.
Lack of beauty.
I honestly think this is one of the things that is not a color.
No one lacks beauty.
Though sometimes, I myself feel colorless in this sense. I feel awkward being surrounded by girls who mask themselves with makeup. I'm not saying that wearing it is a bad thing, but relying on it to feel beautiful is. I'm tired of my plainness being stared at from behind lashes thick with mascara. I can't go to even the densest, not even that formal event without my mom stopping at the door and trying to put lipstick on my lips. I'm tired of people telling me that the one thing they want is to give me a makeover.
I'm sure they don't mean it in an insulting way, but by them saying they want to "make me look better", I feel like they are trying to change me, trying to change to way I look. But this who God made me.
If God had wanted me to look different, He would've given me a different body, molded a different face for me. By hiding myself behind makeup, I feel like I'm losing myself at the same time.
So for anyone who's wondering, that's why I don't wear makeup. That's why I don't always wear the fanciest, cutest clothes.
Constantly, I hear, and am even told, "Guys won't like you if you don't wear at least a little makeup, or wear something at least mildly cute!"
I'm tired of girls and women being objectified as something that can't be wanted unless they change themselves to be a certain "type".
When I find the one I'm meant to be with, it will be because I can be myself with him, because I don't have to act differently around him or have to change myself.
I don't mean to say that you shouldn't wear makeup or shouldn't want to look as cute as you can, but just remember, the body you have now, the person you are now, you are that person because that's how God made you.
You're beautiful to Him, as you always will be.
And you're absolutely perfect in my eyes :)
So, as corny as this sounds, show your colors.
~Liz

I Still Love Him

"And I remember when I met him, it was so clear that he was the only one for me.

We both knew it, right away.

And as the years went on, things got more difficult --
we were faced with more challenges.

I begged him to stay. Try to remember what
we had at the beginning. 

He was charismatic, 

magnetic,

electric,

and everybody knew it. 

When he walked in
every woman's head turned, 

everyone stood up
to talk to him. 

He was like this hybrid, this mix of
a man who couldn't contain himself.

I always got the sense that he became torn
between being a good person and
missing out on all of the opportunities that life could
offer a man as magnificent as him.

And in that way I understood him
and I loved him.
I loved him, I loved him, I loved him.

And I still love him.
I love him."

Lana Del Rey- National Anthem Monologue