What is this I feel? Why is it so real?

"It's only love. It's only pain. It's only fear that runs through my veins. 

It's all the things you can't explain

 that make us human."

Remember when someone told you 

"Sometimes the thing you want most is right in front of you?"

For the longest time, I thought that was a load of dung.

I mean, really? 

It doesn't even make much sense. Typically, if something is right in front of me, I know that I want it, or may want it in the future.

I don't really know why it took me so long to realize it.

I know what I am. 

I'm not bright.

I'm not attractive.

I'm dense.

I'm short.

I'm vulnerable.

I'm constantly putting myself down, wishing I could be better.

Wishing I could be a better person.

I don't get why people stick around me, why they stay by my side. 

I'm offensive.

I take advantage of grace.

I act before I think.

I unconsciously hurt peoples feelings.

I'm human.

Speaking of statements, this one is the cruelest. 

Human.

We take all these bad attributes and make them seem like a side affect of what we are.

Doesn't anyone remember what we were meant to be?

Perfect.

Obedient.

Worthy of love.

Of life.

Why did lust have to ruin that?

"Because we're human"?

This is me. 

What I said above is true. I am all those things. But I'm special, too, even though I'm human.

I have friends.

Family.

Innocence.

Joy.

Peace.

Freedom.

I have him.

When I think of him, too many things run through my mind.

Friend.

Family.

Brother.

Partner in crime.

Mate.

Soul mate.

Maybe I'm just kidding myself. 

Wouldn't be the first time.

Everyone has, at some point in their life, entered one of those raffle contests. 

You think about your name or number on that tiny slip of paper, one slip among thousands, and think,

"Maybe it will be me".

We all get that little flutter of hope, we all sit on the edges of our seats.

Sometimes, the excitement, the longing, is granted.

Sometimes we're left disappointed.

Sure, we may mask it.

"I wouldn't have won anyway, it's just a dumb raffle."

But the disappointment is still there.

That's why I'm afraid.

He's everything to me.

My best friend.

Since forever. 

He gave me the nickname I stick to even now.

I don't remember why, but he was the only one who ever called me that in early years.

It caught the wind, and now it's what most everyone calls me.

But I always think of him when I say it aloud.

I wonder why he gave it to me in the first place.

I can't remember.

Maybe he thought "Lizza" was just too long. 

I picture him calling my name. 

I can hear it.

Clear.

Right.

Sometimes I think, "maybe. Maybe we could, can be more".

"Maybe something more real can happen."

"I can be happier."

But I don't think I'm ready enter the raffle yet.

So I'll just sit here, 

the paper all filled out, 

every question, 

the thing slightly dented from where I clutch it.

I can wait.

I'm good at that.